Following the detailed article regarding the life and times of our intrepid hero, there has been some interest expressed (well, one person asked) about what happened to Keyser during the 'missing' years of 1982-1999. I thought long and hard about undertaking the almost Herculean task of finding out the answer to this but, deciding that the public must have all the facts, I convinced myself to try and discover some truths behind this dark period. I was prepared for difficulties along the way - what i wasn't prepared for were the lies, half-truths and downright dangerous traps laid by Keyser in his efforts to conceal his activities. Read on, then, for the inside story on one of yuvutu's most enigmatic characters....
1982: My first expose involves the year of the Fa*klands War. I managed to obtain access to secret MI5 files which show an Operative 516 (codename "Keyser") being planted on the Falkland Island just before the outbreak of hostilities. He is undercover as a sheep farmer but his real task is to collate facts about the island's defence capabilities. Apparently he does this by pretending to have a hobby of sheep-riding (a realistic probability as he is only 5' 3" tall) and rides around the island on Dolly, his favourite sheep. Operative 516 is allowed to roam wherever he likes due to the Argentinian soldiers laughing at the sight of him whipping a Merino sheep shouting "Faster! Faster, Dolly!". The significant fact remains that 2 days after the operative left the island, war broke out between Argentina and Britain. The intelligent guess must be that our Keyser was, in fact, Operative 516.
1983: The first US Cruise missiles arrive at Greenham Common airbase in Britain on 14 November. A women's 'peace camp' grows up outside the airbase, which lasts for decades. A founding member of the camp, one K. Sozenby, has a suspiciously deep voice, small bosom and large thyroid gland. However, in the atmosphere of the camp this is seen as nothing unusual.
1984: American and French scientists independently discover HIV, the human immuno-deficient virus responsible for Aids. According to the records held in the American Medical Centre, Washington DC, a K. Snooze worked as a cleaner in one of the laboratories where the virus was discovered. It has long been rumoured that, on his overnight shift, Mr. Snooze accidentally knocked over a petri dish containing enzymes into another similar dish and therefore discovered the virus himself, with the scientists claiming responsibility themselves the next morning. Settlment payments of $1,000,000 to Mr. Snooze have not been confirmed.
1985: On 10 July in Auckland harbour, New Zealand, French secret agents sink the Rainbow Warrior (the flagship of Greenpeace) - an environmental campaigning group that is protesting against French nuclear testing in the Pacific. Keyser was rumoured to have been a member of the CIA and to be working on Black Ops; it would have been quite feasible for him to have infiltrated the French secret agents involved and to have helped them carry out their mission. It is known, for example, that a single member of the agents swam underneath the Rainbow Warrior in order to plant limpet mines on its hull: Keyser holds a 50m swimming certificate.....
1986: The British pop group the Pet Shop Boys begin their long career with their first hit 'West End Girls'. It is not widely known that the original incarnation had 3 members. Alongside Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, there stood Keefer Soulsy, apparently a virtuoso on that oft-forgotten instrument, the kazoo. Early demos of "West End Girls" reveal a blistering solo by Keefer which takes the song to a whole new level. However, before the song's eventual remix and release, 'musical differences' between Keefer and the other two members resulted in a break-up. Many people expected Keefer to continue his career and change the way the whole popular music trend of 1986 was going, taking it into uncharted "kazoo folk rock" territories, but instead he just seemed to disappear from sight. Could Keefer have actually been our Keyser? You decide.
1987: On 16 October, the 'Great Storm' – the worst for three centuries – sweeps over south-east Britain. There is widepread destruction throughout the country but also numerous tales of attempts at heroic bravery. A woman in Chesterfield was saved when a mysterious stranger managed to push her out from underneath a falling tree - unfortunately she landed in front of a passing car and sustained serious injuries. In Derby, a man risked certain death to stop an apparently runaway ambulance as it sped down the B6014. Swerving to avoid the stranger, the ambulance ploughed into 5 civilians waiting in line for a bus, instantly killing them all. The ambulance was, in fact, on its way to an emergency heart attack case - the patient later died. And in Glasgow, Jock McDonald, the owner of a fish 'n' chips establishment, was busy serving customers when a man rushed into the shop and dived headfirst into the tubs of batter - moments later the weakened ceiling collapsed on top of him, but the man's body prevented 'batter splatter' to all the customers and Jock himself. Despite sustaining 3rd degree burns, the man himself was unrepentant. "I tried to get him to go to the hospital," said Jock McDonald, 52, "but all he wanted was the reward of a deep-fried Mars Bar." In each of the above documented cases, the mystery man involved was identified as having pink hair.....
KEYSER SOZE: THE MISSING YEARS 1988 - 1993 will follow soon.....